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Podcast: Play in new window Download. Often, women relate that one of the most painful and damaging aspects of emotional abuse are the unrelenting lies, manipulation, and gaslighting. Lies told to cover up sexual acting-out such as infidelity, and pornography use. Manipulation to deflect and protect other behaviors that they had promised to stop engaging in, or perhaps have never disclosed to the victim before at all. Gaslightingto keep the victim unsure of her reality and to protect his emotionally abusive and sexually perverse behaviors. Tragically, lies and manipulation make emotional abuse even harder for women to identify.
Fierce advocate for victims of abuse, Kelly Vogler, suffered devastating emotional and psychological abuse for years, hidden carefully by the lies and manipulation of her abusive husband:. In my mind, I had always known abuse to be something that involved physical violence and that was not at play at all in my marriage.
This was not just us going through a difficult time.
Tragically, many victims, in attempting to make sense out of a chaotic situation, blame themselves for his lies and other abusive behaviors. The responsibility lies completely with the abuser. He is fully able for his decisions to lie and manipulate.
Women deserve support and safety: the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group today. Women will often look to their own personality traits, schedules, perceived faults and flaws, family stresses, including financial or extended family relational issues, and try to pinpoint the reason that their partner is behaving in such an intolerably, cruel and confusing way. Some women may find that if their abuser receives a diagnosis, it may seem more compassionate to justify or minimize his abusive behavior. Regardless of why he chooses to be abusive, women deserve safety.
While compassion is a wonderful trait that women often have in spades, safety is necessary for survival and must be the one priority of abuse victims. At the end of the day, that is not a healthy relationship. Kelly courageously fought hard to discern the truth from the lies, and eventually separated herself from the abuse and found safety and healing.
It is still his decision to make a marriage work. You need two people to be on board with that. Self-esteem, self-worth, and self-love can suffer after years of enduring the cycle of abuseoften never even realizing that they are being abused because of the master-manipulation of their abusers. Victims deserve to be heardloved, and supported. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Support Group offers validation, support, and community to women all over the world. today.
Speaking of Betrayal Trauma Recovery Groupour members are reporting to us that they find BTRG to be so safe and to be a wonderful way to get support right when they need it. We run so many groups every week, you can hop on, generally-speaking, within a couple of hours of any issue that you have, and you need to talk to someone, and you need support.
Kelly is an advocate against abuse in all forms. She primarily works with women in the faith community who have experienced abuse in dating relationships and marriage, offering support on the road from surviving to thriving. She strongly believes in education on these topics and that the more you know the safer and wiser you can be, and I could not agree with her more that education on this topic is so important. Kelly hopes that all of our churches will someday be the safe and loving haven that Jesus desires for all relationships.
Although Kelly and I are both Christian, we know that many of our listeners are not, but you are still welcome here. Please us. We are inter-faith and inter-paradigm. We welcome everyone. Originally from Massachusetts, she has called Nebraska home for the past 12 years.
She taught leadership classes at Union College for eight years and now works as the Vice President of Operations for Agilx, a software company in Lincoln, Nebraska. Kelly and I met through our mutual friend Sarah McDougal.
We love Sarah and appreciate her fellowship. Tell us your story. Kelly: I certainly did not. In fact, it was probably three and a half years or so, into our marriage before someone first told me that they could be considered abuse.
Up to that point, I had always known abuse, in my mind, to be something that involved physical violence and that was not at play at all in my marriage. I never had any bruises or anything like that.
That you get married for better or for worse and that we were going through a lot of the worst times. Kelly: I was not aware of pornography specifically, but a few months after we were married, it became extremely evident that I had married someone who was living a double life. About four weeks into our marriage, I started to discover that he was telling some huge and extreme lies. For example, the one day that really stands out in my mind is one that started out just like any other day.
I grabbed my things and I went off to work. He was in his last semester of undergraduate studies and was supposed to be graduating in just a few months after we were married. I got to work and a little while later I realized I had left my charger for my laptop back at the house. I finished up a meeting with a client and I ran home to grab it.
When I walked through the front door, he was there sitting on the couch in the living room. I was very confused because I knew that he was supposed to be in classes at that time, so I had no idea why he was there. Obviously, I jumped a little bit when I opened the door not thinking anyone would be there. He started mumbling all about how he had a big test coming up for school that he needed to study for, so he was skipping classes in order to focus on that.
As I said, it was in the middle of a workday. It took around two months or so after that to really try and figure out what exactly was going on. I knew he had a history of not doing very well in school, so I was immediately very concerned and worried about it. Really, every time I tried to talk to him, he just never had any straight answers on anything.
Maybe you need to get your reset. Right here. Right now you need to pull up the site while I am sitting with you and log in. After an hour or so of arguing about that, eventually, it came out that he was not in school. That entire time period that we were dating, engaged, and newly married I had no idea how he was actually spending his time. No one had any idea about this. His parents and everyone in his family thought he was attending classes.
All his friends did as well. In all of our conversations, he was falsifying information along the way. Through that, what I did discover was that he had been having multiple affairs while we were dating.
Anne: This story is consistent with pornography use. There is no way to prove it or disprove it or whatever. I think this is so fascinating. Kelly: Yeah. It never honestly crossed my mind that I would need to be a detective with my spouse. I did not grow up in a home like that. My parents have a great marriage and a great relationship.
They work as partners together. We stayed married for close to five years and throughout that time there were three different occasions where I believed he was actually graduating from college. He falsified grade reports that he would show me. I threw him a giant graduation party at one point with about 40 of our closest friends there. After the party, he just blew up at me and he was so furious that I would go and do something like that.
I was confused. I thought it was something that he was just embarrassed about, knowing that he had had trouble in school. Again, there is that aspect of going in circles and playing on that side of me, of knowing that I was trying to have that empathy to understand.
Maybe I overstepped my bounds here. When I got the list of graduates, I saw my name there and his name was not there. That was the only way that I had found out. Yours was huge. He wanted the entitlements that come along with that. Was he employed at all during this time? He bounced around a lot on different part-time jobs, but it was never very consistent.
The one question I get asked about all of this, when I share these details, is what was his end game here? I think the most difficult part of this is to try and recognize that our brains just function very differently here. That just did not connect for him somehow. I think a lot of it was a pride issue.Is lying emotional abuse
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Is Lying Emotionally Abusive?